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xflatpancakex3
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Interests: Picture the scene, where whatever you thought,would, in the blink of an eye, manifest and become illustrated.You'd be sure man that every line drawn reflected a life that you lovednot an existence that you hated.So, must we demonstrate that we can't get it straight?We've painted a picture, now we're drowning in the paint.Let's figure out what the fuck it's about,before the picture we painted chews us up and spits us out.
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/18/2005
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2nd from left...
5' 10"
115 lbs
BMI 16.5
i went to elementary school with her. i would never expect her to know who i am., but i have a memory of her from after school care somehow.
i haven't ever been so motivated to starve myself since entering recovery as i am right now after viewing her pictures. she has definitely lost a lot of weight compared to previous photos i've seen of her, such as in the top photo. she did it. i want to do it.
ha i feel like such a creeper, but i just came across her page while myspace friend surfing like a total loser after no sleep, midterms, no energy, adderall, darkness, fuccckkk...
the only thing i want to turn to is the scale, i want to see the numbers drop. painfully drop, down, down, down, down. im scared. but right now, in this moment, i want it so fucking bad.
96.
better than 100.
please someone stop me.
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HALLOWEEN :)
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| halloween is tomorrow! i'm very excited. i LOVE dressing up. but i'm worried ill just wander around downtown for a bit then stay in, and since i'm going all out as KATE VON D i want to show it off ya know!? my midsection will be showing, and i think ill probably wear a jacket most of the time to hide some of it...but that kind of takes away from KAT, since she shows her body with pride. maybe i'll just channel her and let it show!!! this is the picture of her i'm emulating in my costume...
i have those weird looking tattoo sleeves made of fabric, they look ridiculous, but i think that adds a little somthin to the costume, makes it more "costume-esque". but i have temp tattoos as well, and a few of my real ones will show. i still need BIG HEELS and new BIG sunglasses, since i broke my own faves :(
my mindset has been "don't eat very much friday and saturday" but i really don't want to use an event to bring back part of ED. im notorious for that. ugh, it will be a struggle, whatever, i'll try not to overthink this. i've already had coffee today, and i'll get a smoothie later because my mom sent me a halloween card with a jamba gift card inside <3 then something good for dinner, maybe snacks, ughhh stop thinking!!!!!
i deleted the "thinspo" sites from my subscriptions. totally triggering and detrimental to any positive body image and non-ed thinking. stupid skinny bitches, you are not better than me. and i will never be you, so fuck off man. i will always love dreaming of being made of bones and nothing else, but it will never be. because i want to live. and my body allows me to do that.
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| i participated in the NEDA walk on sunday. i raised 200 dollars prior to walking :) two of therapists from treatment last summer were there!!! that was a nice little surprise to see them again!
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| i was laying in bed with my boyfriend last night, he was asleep, tv making noise, my mind thinking about numbers. the scale. and i almost had a panic attack. i felt it coming on. fuck the scale. i haven't had a scale in my posession in about a year and a half. since then, i've weighed myself 3 or 4 times.
i want nothing more than a scale of my own again to watch the numbers drop.
im angry at myself for writing that. thinking that. wanting that is stupid.
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